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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch