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Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
Today`s subliminal thought is: …