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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?