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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
pudding... thats always a funny word
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.