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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Some of my best memories are naps.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.