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Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar