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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
After I die, there are some people Iām going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.