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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.