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I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn`t walk to the donut shop.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.