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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
why me is me ?
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.