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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
I’m sad when my food is over.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.