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when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!