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I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
I havend`t heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he`s okay.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.