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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.