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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.