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According to my nipples, summer is over
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
I think I may be getting harder to love.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.