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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"