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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.