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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.