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is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.