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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.