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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.