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When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.