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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s