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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.