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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I’m pretty good at keeping my sh!t together. Until there’s a bee around.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.