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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!