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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.