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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
Iām in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.