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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling