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Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.