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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
heyy lol
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.