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If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.