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I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!