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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.