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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I like people... From a distance.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?