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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.