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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)