Daily Silly Status

What I do when I black out is none of my business.

I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.

If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.

I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?

I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !

Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.

wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.

I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun... "Dean, what are you doing this weekend?" "That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should." "But what are you doing?" "What I`m g

Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness

I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.

Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.