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My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?