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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
I hate when Iām about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.