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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.