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I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.