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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.