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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.