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Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.