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My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough