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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.