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Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.