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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.