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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.