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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.