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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.