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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
No. My hair magically got shorter.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.