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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
wassup pips! :-) no i don`t mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i`m the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.