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I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up