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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.