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Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.