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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
is in no shape to exercise
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
People: What a bunch of bastards!
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.