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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure