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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.