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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time