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That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.