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I wonder if more children were conceived because of alcohol or more alcohol was consumed because of children.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.