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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...