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My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don`t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what Iām doing.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...