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I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.