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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.