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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.