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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage