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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
You’re probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
This is the only way I know how to correctly use a semi-colon ;)