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I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what