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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.