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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.