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I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
i hate that the sun comes up so early
My misery likes tequila, not company.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.