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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.