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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside