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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!