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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
I just awesomed all over the place.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?