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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.