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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.