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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?