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That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.