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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.