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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.