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I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.