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I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...