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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.