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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.