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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.