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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!