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Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.